I’ve been contemplating how to write this story for a long time, and finally have had time to think deeply about how I want to portray it. It’s a story about bullying, but unlike those you see about the bully pushing someone to suicide or causing incurable pain on their victim. Actually it offers pity to the bully themself. It’s about finding forgiveness and understanding towards someone who caused a lot of verbal abuse. This is my bully story.
When I was in 6th grade I had a lot working against me. My awkard stage was in full force and it was the time in my peers’ and mine life where we were transitioning from elementary school kids to junior high young adults. This was a time where some kids were beginning to blossom with new confidence and looks, however I was not one of those people yet. To make matters worse, I had lost my grandfather to cancer in October and my grandmother in April to a heart attack. I am not one who wants pity so I kept my losses a secret and spent most of my time kept to myself. To put it bluntly, I was ugly and sad. One girl in my class used my awkwardness to try to heal her own pain that I would not realize she was suffering until years later.
Every day during recess, this girl took it upon herself to call out my shortcomings in front of the entire class. She publically made fun of my hair, acne, face, skin, social skills, clothes, hobbies, lack of popularity and announcing that I “would not make it in junior high” and get “eaten alive by everyone”. She took polls of the class asking who “liked me” or “hated me”. She threatened to lie about all she had said if I told a teacher or my parents and had a small pose that she was confident would back her side of the story. I went home crying after school almost daily for months. It was bad enough trying to cope with a grieving process but the verbal abuse was just intolerable to an emotionally vulnerable 12 year old. My self confidence was non existent and I thought that everything she was saying was true.
Now I wasn’t totally defenseless. I did stand up a time or two and call her out for her harsh words and lies. Being a small school, word eventually got to the counselor about the situation. This bully began visiting him a couple times of week, but never with me. I felt hurt that my side of the story wasn’t able to be told. The counselor stopped me one morning outside of the school and simply told me to “Be the bigger person”. I was astonished that was his advice. Why should I, the victim, have to be kind to her? Why was she not getting punished for hurting me? Why must I bite my tongue when I was being constantly taunted? It wasn’t fair to me at the time, and made me feel that no one was on my side.
Nevertheless, I began to just ignore her and as we moved onto junior high and high school, she simply lost the joy in taunting me. She was still a loud, bossy, self-entitled person she had always been but at least she was leaving me alone. We kept our distance and have never really interacted since.
Fast forward to my my freshman year of college. I was sitting in my dorm when I got a call from my mom. There had been a murder in my hometown (which is only 800 people mind you) and it was quickly gaining statewide media attention. A man had shot his wife several times and left her in his home for 3 days before he was arrested still living with her body in their bedroom. That man was my bully’s father and the woman was her stepmother.
When I heard the news I instantly remembered the words from 7 years earlier “Be the bigger person” and realized the meaning behind them. The girl who relentlessly found pleasure in my pain, was really trying to find ways to ease her own personal pain at the time. During 6th grade her parents were going through a nasty divorce and her dad was a drug addict. That was why she was meeting with the counselor. She had no control over her situation at home so the only way she could stop feeling hopeless was to make someone “weaker” than her suffer. When people focused on her taunting me, they weren’t talking about her home life situation. I realized that my life had turned out ok even with her hurting me, and decided to finally forgive her.
I’m not trying to condone bullying by any means, but I don’t think the situation is always as black and white as we’d like to think. As much as they are hurting you, they might just be hurting twice as much inside. My advice to other preteen girls who has someone harassing them similar to me, be the bigger person. I truly understand how hard it is to do in the moment, but I’ve also realized that dwelling on a bully just gives them satisfaction that they don’t deserve. Forgiving and forgetting is hard, but sometimes it’s a lot easier than what is going on behind closed doors.
When I was in 6th grade I had a lot working against me. My awkard stage was in full force and it was the time in my peers’ and mine life where we were transitioning from elementary school kids to junior high young adults. This was a time where some kids were beginning to blossom with new confidence and looks, however I was not one of those people yet. To make matters worse, I had lost my grandfather to cancer in October and my grandmother in April to a heart attack. I am not one who wants pity so I kept my losses a secret and spent most of my time kept to myself. To put it bluntly, I was ugly and sad. One girl in my class used my awkwardness to try to heal her own pain that I would not realize she was suffering until years later.
Every day during recess, this girl took it upon herself to call out my shortcomings in front of the entire class. She publically made fun of my hair, acne, face, skin, social skills, clothes, hobbies, lack of popularity and announcing that I “would not make it in junior high” and get “eaten alive by everyone”. She took polls of the class asking who “liked me” or “hated me”. She threatened to lie about all she had said if I told a teacher or my parents and had a small pose that she was confident would back her side of the story. I went home crying after school almost daily for months. It was bad enough trying to cope with a grieving process but the verbal abuse was just intolerable to an emotionally vulnerable 12 year old. My self confidence was non existent and I thought that everything she was saying was true.
Now I wasn’t totally defenseless. I did stand up a time or two and call her out for her harsh words and lies. Being a small school, word eventually got to the counselor about the situation. This bully began visiting him a couple times of week, but never with me. I felt hurt that my side of the story wasn’t able to be told. The counselor stopped me one morning outside of the school and simply told me to “Be the bigger person”. I was astonished that was his advice. Why should I, the victim, have to be kind to her? Why was she not getting punished for hurting me? Why must I bite my tongue when I was being constantly taunted? It wasn’t fair to me at the time, and made me feel that no one was on my side.
Nevertheless, I began to just ignore her and as we moved onto junior high and high school, she simply lost the joy in taunting me. She was still a loud, bossy, self-entitled person she had always been but at least she was leaving me alone. We kept our distance and have never really interacted since.
Fast forward to my my freshman year of college. I was sitting in my dorm when I got a call from my mom. There had been a murder in my hometown (which is only 800 people mind you) and it was quickly gaining statewide media attention. A man had shot his wife several times and left her in his home for 3 days before he was arrested still living with her body in their bedroom. That man was my bully’s father and the woman was her stepmother.
When I heard the news I instantly remembered the words from 7 years earlier “Be the bigger person” and realized the meaning behind them. The girl who relentlessly found pleasure in my pain, was really trying to find ways to ease her own personal pain at the time. During 6th grade her parents were going through a nasty divorce and her dad was a drug addict. That was why she was meeting with the counselor. She had no control over her situation at home so the only way she could stop feeling hopeless was to make someone “weaker” than her suffer. When people focused on her taunting me, they weren’t talking about her home life situation. I realized that my life had turned out ok even with her hurting me, and decided to finally forgive her.
I’m not trying to condone bullying by any means, but I don’t think the situation is always as black and white as we’d like to think. As much as they are hurting you, they might just be hurting twice as much inside. My advice to other preteen girls who has someone harassing them similar to me, be the bigger person. I truly understand how hard it is to do in the moment, but I’ve also realized that dwelling on a bully just gives them satisfaction that they don’t deserve. Forgiving and forgetting is hard, but sometimes it’s a lot easier than what is going on behind closed doors.